Locked Away

I can't seem to find the words to say.
I get all tongue tied it just won't go away.
The explosion of my mind in the solitude of silence. 
All my thoughts planned out.
Your reaction I imagined without a doubt.
Approaching you has a different effect.
Everything seems to redirect.
My mind and heart work separate from my mouth,
the words needed never seem to come out.
I put up a strong front, but have forgotten how to take it down. 
The me you see is only a reflection.
My wall points you in a different direction,
than the truth that is hidden away.
When you find out I wonder what you'll say.
Everything within me, shoved behind doors.
Locked away.
I have lost the key.
I guess they'll stay.

Clouded

These words mean don't mean anything to me anymore
I've lost my passion to keep moving forward
This fight to find the right words is relentless
Will there ever be an end to this seemingly pointless pain
Is there a point for being pulled away
I can't seem to see the finish line
This perpetual race is tiring my soul
Overwhelming thoughts cloud my brain
Fear and confusion taking over my heart
I feel myself caving in
Holding on to the last piece of my sanity
Or is this only a dream
I yearn to escape

Never

Your presence makes me cringe 

It's like you can't see me

You see a failure 

A mistake 

A lost child with no hope 

Why can't you see the truth

The truth behind my feelings 

the truth behind my non existent smile

How do you act as if everything is splendid 

Gloat on the temporary things and think I care

That jealousy will over come me and I will fall back to your arms

Never 

You will never see me

The me that I am when the gates are unlocked 

The me only a few get to see

My trust you will never have 

If only you had not forgotten me

You lied 

And my heart that previously had been tied 

Broke free from your clutch 

Now free to fly 

my heart never to be touched 

Once

She smiles as a tear streaks down her face
She looks at the memories that were once her everything
Once upon a time when she told herself that this would never leave
Once when they were the only thing that kept her from shattering
Now they held the hammer that will shatter her
How did the tables turn so quickly
She screamed
Screaming inside her mind
Because of the daggers piercing her soul
Pondering how those who once were the ones who she let into the darkest parts of her mind would break her
The ones who had unlocked her soul and held her safe in their heart
And she was confided in theirs
Once
Now she had slowly been shut out of the doors to their heart
With each turn of a lock her heart tore
Another hit with the hammer
Unknowingly?
Maybe. but how could someone cause so much precise damage without a target
She feared the final hit with hammer
The one that would bring their once eternal friendship to an abrupt end
Once they were unbreakable
Once

What happened?

I don't know how long I can last in this hateful place 

These words they rip at my soul 

The ignorance of what is happening here

The hate drawn from silence 

The glances of judgment 

What happened to the bond that would never break

The promises we made

The secrets that were shared in the hard place

I thought we would never part 

But that thought has long left my mind 

I don't know how we will make it

This drought we are in

It's tearing us at the seams 

To never be mended 

You saved my from falling to pieces 

Now you may cause it
I never thought we'd be here 

We were once so strong 

Now on the brink of desolation and death

You're back

Your coming back again
But this time with me have the fear of the known
A year ago I was terrified of you coming
A fear of the unknown
Everything fell into place
Not now
Now everything is all askew
What went wrong
How did I not realize how blessed I was
I was sheltered and given a good place to stay
Now fear smothers me
I have been shoved out from beneath the shelter and am being watched from afar
How this year will become is alien to me
How I will make it
Can I brave this alone
Will I be brought back into the shelter
Or will I learn how to survive in the unknown

Stronger than you know

They've never seen her cry

She was the strong one 

The brave one

The one that everyone knew would never crack

But secretly she had cracks forming up and down her walls 

Even though she raced to cover them, she knew they were always there

No one else could see them, all they saw was the outside 

The high fortress that would never crumble to the ground

But from the inside she was falling apart trying to keep it together

At times she could even convince herself that the walls would never break

She had patched all the cracks but all at once the wall came tumbling down

She was mortified 

Yet she was also in awe of the wonders that were held outside her wall

The freedom she felt 

The peace she had never been allowed to know

She had never been out

All she had ever done was gaze through the cracks as she was patching them

Everyone stared at her 

They'd never even seen her

All they knew was the little that they had been told 

But now they could see her 

She was amazing

She was stronger than they had ever realized

She wasn't hiding in the comfort of her own fortress

She was dying in the solitude of it
She just didn't want anyone to waste their time saving her

The girl who had everyone fooled

The girl who built a wall that would never break

Broke. 

Effulgent Light in an Intimate Darkness

No one ever comes 

No one ever knows 

No one  ever takes the time to find out the story behind her silence 

She waits and waits

Waiting for the promise that she was always told 

Waiting for the life yet to unfold

She hoped for the future with a smile on her face while in an intimate darkness she could not escape

Looking through the insignificant hole  in the wall that let in the light 

The light that was not hers and that she could not hold

But as time moved on

She did not 

The smile that was full of hope slowly diminished from her face 

She sat and waited for a light of her own

A light that would bring back the hope and the promise 

But none came

The years faded away but she never took her eyes away from the light

even when the hope had faded from her life

One dark day when she was feeling her lowest and thought of looking away from the light 

Begging for an answer 

It all went black

The small insignificant hole in the wall was closed

The light vanished

She was horrified

Had her years of waiting been for nothing

But with a loud explosion of rock

She was blinded by the effulgent light that now surrounded her

Insurmountable joy engulfed her

All she could see was the silhouette of a hand reaching out to hers

As she grabbed hold she knew her years of waiting had not been in vain

Her promise had come and the darkness had vanished 

The light was tangible

It was finally hers to hold

The light and promise was for the hope that had never left her eyes

End or Infinite?

How could you leave?

Like death slowly approaching the door. 

But instead of the bliss of the unknown. 

I know exactly when it will come knocking. 

When that disastrous day will come when its time to say goodbye. Ripping my heart and soul away from what has kept me from falling apart. 

Can I bare that?

How can I keep from falling apart?

You all know when it is coming for you.

How do you smile and act as if it will never come?

Laugh and sing as if we were infinite

Imaginary

Your killing me

The memories we shared 

The struggles we faired 

Sometimes I know we were something more 

But every now and then 

I begin to wonder if we even were

If you were just imaginary 

If all those conversations were created 

If you ever really cared

But my heart has bared

Have I grown stronger from something imaginary?

Learned from a lesson not told

Acted on an experience not gained

Breaking from something that never was

Wanting to regain what I haven't had

Sometimes I just want to call you

To say I felt the same way too

To apologize for not trying harder

But then again it was only imaginary